Barely has 2018 begun than news of yet another school shooting in the US. This time in Parkland, Florida, a quiet peaceful town, unprepared for the slaying of its young and the descent of the world’s media. Not, however, the eighteenth school shooting in 2018. That is fake news, spread by a small organisation that counts every shooting in the vicinity of a school, even if it is just the discharge of a gun in the middle of the night and a block away. But what does it matter whether it is the first or eighteenth? The dead are just as dead and the injured suffer just the same.

Now, however, good old American know-how is leaping to the rescue of anxious parents about to send their cherished offspring off to school. Bullet proof backpacks are now freely available for sale by Amazon.com and other large American retailers. For example, the Guard Dog Security ProShield 2 is not merely certified bullet proof but comes with multimedia connections and enhanced gel comfort (whatever the hell that means). For a mere $141.53 cents your back pack is tested to withstand bullets from a 357 Magnum or 44 Magnum and 9mm or 45 calibre hollow point ammunition and more. Those, of course, are in your hulking teenager size, but smaller children’s sizes are also available in bright colours and patterns. Such a comfort I think.

Now some Britons may be bothered by taking their little ones on that long saved for holiday to the Magic Kingdom. Don’t be, the bullet proof back pack insert is available from Amazon.co.uk offering “1380 sq.cm of ballistic protection” at a mere £139. Your little, not so little and big ones may be saved from the latest school or random mass shooting by crouching down and letting those 45 calibre hollow points smash into their back pack. It is going to make a difference to getting your kids off to school after their morning bowl of Wheatie Bangs.

“Children, the school bus will be here in a minute. Are you ready yet?”

Sound of thundering feet

“You call that ready? Where are you Kevlar vests? Well put them on right now. Are the pepper sprays and screech alarms attached? Well Amelia-Ann, they aren’t much use in the drawer are they darling. Get them on now.
“And where are your bullet proof backpacks? Good. Now have you both got your homework, packed lunch, pencil case, cell phone and distress flare? Excellent.

“Well put them on guys. Come on the bus will be here very soon. Now Kevlar helmets? Where are they? Amelia-Ann sweetie they are no use hanging on the peg. Get them on your heads and don’t take them off until you get home.

“Mommy doesn’t like to nag darlings but she loves you lots and wants to keep you safe. Now here’s the bus. Kiss and off you go. Be safe darlings.”

Sound of a sigh of relief

“Now, where’s my Kevlar vest? I think it’s time to go shopping.”

© Tom Ungless 2018